How does it feel to be frequently clueless?

March 2022

As someone who is “forced” to go through this adulting process and always asking some unanswered questions in my life, feeling clueless and not knowing what to do is my daily friend.

To be honest, I love to do something without companion or just spending my time with myself. But most of time, I feel lost. I feel lost when I have to do something that I never done before. I feel lost when I have to solve problems or forced me to do my own responsibilities. All I want first is hide from the world and avoid them.

My tire went flat when i wanted to go to work today. This should be a common thing for car owners, but not for me. This is my first time and I don’t know where to start. I am totally clueless. Amazingly, I get panicked, overthinking, and freeze at the moment, then I realize that didn’t have someone I could rely on to solve this problem that supposed to be my closest one (who’s left).

However, this doesn’t just happen today. It happened most of time in my life that triggered my insecurities and low self esteem. Because if something bad happened to me, all I got is myself. Who will help me if I was in danger?

Luckily I have a friend who wants to help me to fix it today. For a moment, my problem was fixed. But what if something bigger happened next time? What if I have trouble on my way or I got an accident?

Yes I have my mom and my family, but I am not willing to involve them, besides they have no power to help me, I think. So, thank you for leaving me without any lessons for being an adult. Thank you for forcing me to be an adult. I still believe that this is your fault and you are responsible for all of these bad things that happened in my life.

Well, nobody knows what they want to do or what will happened in the future. It’s the process and experience that guides our path as we grow, I wish.